Why People Are Your Friends

Or why people want to hire you.

Or why people want to hire you.

In behavioral science there is the observation that your inner circle is made up of people that fulfill two qualities. One, they are someone you can trust. For example you can be vulnerable with them without the fear of being judged or made fun of. The second is the fact that a person is competent. They are not going to drop the proverbial “ball” when you give them your valuable trust. They execute, the evidence of competency. Like when a boss gives you an project or not missing the punchline on an inside joke with a buddy. This makes sense to me, because my friends are people I usually have the same interests with, who where on the same sports teams as I was and more specifically can handle my dry sense of humor.

Now there are plenty of ways to gains someones trust, but it usually comes down to showing them that you competent.

What makes competency? A competent person is usually distinguished as someone who doesn’t need to be babysat when there is a problem they need to solve, in the store I manage I am grateful that have have employees that I can leave alone for a few days and be confident that they will do their job right and not hurt the business when I am gone.

Competency in the chosen field is the most valuable skill, ever. No one will trust you if you cannot deliver, and nobody will bear having you around if you are not on their wavelength. You become a liability someone who makes a boss lose money or the friend who emotionally drains rather then enlivens with his/her companionship.

How do you develop competency?

If a brand new piano player gets upset that they can’t play after a few hours of practice, they have lost. The trick to being accepted by other experienced piano players is to be lovable, admit ignorance and laugh at yourself. This opens the path to mentoring and being taken under the wing of the people you want to be accepted by.

I can tell you that there are great canned lines or ways to improve you body language so people like you more, but I would be lying to you if I didn’t tell you the truth, being accepted in a social circle just kinda happens when you stick to something long enough, you will grow on those people. Even then you might not be completely complete in that thing. By they have brought you in because you are competent in something everybody can relate too: everyone struggles.

I had the same experience when moving my junior year to a new high school, I had no friends and had a tough time associating with people. To fast track the process I joined the football team, a sport I had zero experience with, and gave it my honest effort. I sucked, but me laughing at myself and being comical about my deficiencies as a football player made me that lovable funny guy. They stopped caring if I was good and they made me their friend, taught me the lingo and rules of football, and I became conversationally fluent in the sport. I then could watch game with them and know what was going on. I never got good at football, but I could speak their language. I became competent, and my demeanor helped me gain their trust.

Becoming competent and trusted is about taking on someones culture while maintaining you individual quirks, I never admitted that I loved football and I still only watch the Superbowl if invited to a Superbowl party. But I could speak their language and interact with them. And that can influence the mind better than any naturally popular person. This allows you to have a diverse portfolio of friends and employment options to choose from because people just like being around you.

So why do people not like you? Maybe it is because you are not competent in their language, the timing of their jokes, the subject matter of their company, or you are just a terrible person who is contained in the bubble of their own opinions. All things considered, you can always refer to the definition of what communication actually is: Conveying understanding. People are not as bad as you think, they probably just speak a different tongue you can learn.

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